Many of us today are already comfortable with the idea of having foreigners from different countries coming here to live among us. They may come from neighboring countries or places further away. They may have different religions. They can be Christians, Buddhists, Hindus or Muslims. Sometimes, they share many similarities with our own people. This may be the reason why they blend in so well among us and also the same reason why we have come to accept them so naturally.
Foreigners come to our country for many different reasons. It can be for work, pleasure or studies. Some of them are able to find better job opportunities here. Some find our country to have the most interesting places to visit. And some might find a better quality of education here. Some stay here for the short-term or long-term and there are also those who have not made up their minds yet. Some might be planning for a short stay but they might meet someone interesting or see a beautiful place along the way that may have caught their attention.
Take foreign students for example. Many of them have come to our higher learning institutions to further their studies. They are only here for the course of their studies and upon completion they would head home to their own respective countries to look for a job. But sometimes, they might start to develop feelings for the local students and a love relationship would soon grow. This is when things usually start to get complicated for them and their families.
Their relationship would start off well. Everything would seem perfect and they are so happy to be in each other’s presence. Naturally, their families would disapprove at first but gradually they learn to accept their relationship. And then the couple would have their first argument. Let us assume that the foreigner here is a male and the local student is a female. Most of the time, the girl’s family would get emotional as she would call and tell them about the argument. They could not be by her side because they live far away. They would try their best to console her through the phone and feel very angry towards the man for hurting their daughter.
A few days after that, their daughter and the foreigner would get back together, as if the argument never took place at all. They would go out, have a nice dinner and probably do some shopping, as if to celebrate the end of their argument. Her family would call and text-message her, concerned about her well-being. She would ignore their calls and messages whenever she is with the foreign student and her excuses would usually go along the lines of ‘I lost track of time’, ‘my phone was in silent mode’, or ‘I was occupied with work’.
And then the second argument erupts. The girl and her family would go through the same cycle again. At first they would feel concerned and angry but the feelings would soon change to sadness because their daughter would not answer their calls or messages once she is on good terms again with the man. The third, fourth and fifth arguments would soon follow and before they know it, the couple is quarrelling and fighting almost everyday and her family would have to play along in this charade because they love their daughter too much.
They would try to advise her that her relationship with this foreigner is unhealthy and that the signs are all there. Arguments are happening frequently. They would tell her maybe it is best for both of them to remain friends. When her parents tell her this, she would accuse them of being not understanding and not supportive of her relationship with this foreign man. If you are in her parents’ position, what would you do? What are the words you would say to your daughter to make her understand your thoughts and feelings?
After so many arguments, the foreign man would soon begin to show his true colors. He would start to get very possessive of the girl. It would be as if he is trying to break the bond between her and her family. Every time she receives a call or a message from her family, he would throw a tantrum and show his temper. Every time she tries to go back to her hometown during semester breaks, he would show his dislike and discontent since he is far away from home and therefore it is not cheap for him to go back and so he had no choice but to stay at the college. He would check the number of times her family had contacted her on the phone and argue with her about it. Eventually, she would give in because she loves him very much. She would continue to ignore her family’s calls and seldom or almost never go back to her family during the holidays.
Her family would feel much tormented by this attitude being shown by their daughter. Her mother would cry every night asking God what she had done to deserve this. Eventually, her mother’s health would start to deteriorate. Since she was born, her family showered her with nothing but love. She did not come from an abusive family and neither was she ever neglected by her family in her entire life. Her parents would try their very best to fulfill her every need and desire. They sent her to further her studies so that she would have a bright future but instead they got this in return. They even tried to visit her at her college but instead she asked them why they had come. She was uncomfortable with the idea of them coming to visit her. Her own family needed to provide a reason to come and see her.
Who is to blame in this situation - her parents, the foreign student or herself? As a person from the outside looking in, it is easy to point the finger at any one of them. The parents could be guilty of pampering her too much which led to her current attitude. The foreigner could easily be blamed for his temper, his poor attitude towards her family and his possessiveness. The daughter could also be blamed for her selfishness, lack of respect and insensitivity towards her parents.
But let us look into this more carefully. First of all, the foreigner and the girl are of different religions. He is a Muslim from Pakistan and she is a Catholic. Credit has to be given to her parents for looking beyond this. They have learned to accept that their daughter is in a relationship with a Muslim foreigner. There is nothing wrong with accepting someone from a different religion into your family as long as his attitude towards the family is right. But this man has continuously shown disrespect towards her family. He would not allow her to contact her parents whenever he is around her. She is not even allowed to go back and see them during the holidays.
What can the family do in this situation? They have pleaded for her to come back but it seems the words that are coming out from the foreigner’s mouth are far more powerful than anything her family could say. He has managed to persuade her to stay with him during the month-long holiday even though they have been together for the whole semester.
We do not have full knowledge of this foreigner’s background and culture. Things may not be the same back in his country. The society in his hometown has been labeled as a male-oriented society. That means women are always secondary. Their opinions, thoughts and feelings are about as significant as a tiny little ant. This is totally different from what is being practiced at our country. People could change in a split second and the foreigner is no different. Here, he might be a gentleman to her but back in his hometown, anything could happen.
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